Zeke Meeks vs the Horrifying TV-Turnoff Week Read online

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1:

  A Trillion Times Worse Than an Ice Cream Party

  CHAPTER 2:

  Call Me Princess Rose Petal

  CHAPTER 3:

  The Forbidden B-Word

  CHAPTER 4:

  Nail Polish, TV-Turnoff Week, and Other Stinky Things

  CHAPTER 5:

  Warning: This Chapter Is Scary

  CHAPTER 6:

  Visiting Other Planets Beats Flying Around a Room

  CHAPTER 7:

  Greasy Greatness Galore

  CHAPTER 8:

  S-u-r-p-r-i-s-e

  CHAPTER 9:

  World’s Longest Report and Shortest Math Lesson

  CHAPTER 10:

  A Sound Worse Than the One in My Stomach

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Could You Survive a Week Without TV?

  Big Words According to Zeke

  Pour Water Sideways!

  Copyright Page

  Buy the Book

  The day started out great. For one thing, I had gotten my best grade ever on a math test: a C+. Yahoo!

  For another thing, it was Friday. I was going to my best friend Hector’s house after school. Then I planned to sit around and watch TV and play video games all weekend. I couldn’t wait.

  For a third thing . . . wait. I’m confused. Maybe that’s the fourth thing. I’m not very good at math.

  Anyway, for another thing, recess was really fun. Hector and I pretended we were Enemy Warriors from the Fight, Fight, Fight TV show.

  On the show, Enemy Warriors zoomed around Planet Fatal and stabbed each other with red-hot electro-swords. Hector and I ran around the school playground and stabbed each other with invisible swords.

  I was running so fast that I almost crashed into Grace Chang. It wasn’t really my fault. Grace is so tiny that I didn’t notice her at first.

  But she noticed me. She yelled, “Zeke Meeks! Get out of my face.”

  “Yeah. Get out of her face,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. Get out of her face,” Emma J. said.

  “Get out of my face” was a line from the Sassy Sara TV show. A lot of kids in my third-grade class watched that show. Sassy Sara often shouted, “Get out of my face,” or “Get your face out of my space” or “Get lost and don’t ever be found.”

  I pretended to slash Grace with my invisible sword. She dug the nail on her pinky finger into my arm.

  That may not seem too bad. But Grace Chang has extremely long and extremely sharp fingernails. So when her pinky nail dug into my arm, it was extremely painful.

  And that’s when my great day started to get terrible.

  After recess ended, our teacher, Mr. McNutty, said, “I have four announcements. And they are all good.”

  Hector raised his hand and asked, “Are we going to have an ice cream party?”

  “You’re close,” Mr. McNutty said.

  “Are we going to a candy factory?” I guessed.

  “You’re close,” Mr. McNutty said.

  “Are we getting more time for recess?” Laurie Schneider asked.

  “Close,” Mr. McNutty said. “I’ll just tell you the news. We’re having a week of no—”

  Owen Leach interrupted him.

  “A week of no tests!” Aaron Glass shouted.

  “You’re both close,” Mr. McNutty said. “We’re having a week of no TV or video games. We’ll begin TV-Turnoff Week tomorrow. I’ve already e-mailed your parents about it.”

  Everyone groaned. A week of no TV or video games was not at all close to a week of no homework or tests. It was as far away as another universe, a very bad universe. Also, announcing TV-Turnoff Week was not good news. It was very bad news.

  “Watching Fight, Fight, Fight is the only good part of my day,” Chandler Fitzgerald said. Then he started to cry.

  Chandler cried a lot. He cried yesterday because it rained. He cried the day before because his pencil needed to be sharpened. But today, he cried louder than usual.

  “You, get lost . . . NOW!” Grace Chang said. “That’s from Sassy Sara, my favorite show. I won’t know what to do without it.”

  “Yeah. Me neither,” Emma G. said.

  “Yeah. Me neither,” Emma J. said.

  Mr. McNutty said, “You can find better things to do with your time. TV-Turnoff Week is the first good news. The second good news is that you’ll each give an oral report. You’ll tell the class about what you did instead of watching TV.”

  “I already know what I’ll be doing: crying,” Chandler cried.

  “I’ll be so angry I’ll tear people’s faces off,” Grace Chang said.

  I didn’t cry very often. And I had never torn off a single face. But during a week without TV or video games, I probably would cry. I might even tear off a face or two. I might even cry and tear someone’s face off at the same time. That’s how upset I’d probably get.

  “The third good news is that we will have a spelling bee on Thursday. The fourth good news is that the winner will get a gift certificate to a bookstore. So make sure you study,” Mr. McNutty said.

  None of these things were good news. I didn’t even want a gift certificate to a bookstore. I didn’t like bookstores. That’s because bookstores had books in them. And I didn’t like books. I liked TV. In fact, I loved TV.

  I told Hector I couldn’t come to his house after school. I wanted to stay home and watch TV nonstop, before TV-Turnoff Week started.

  So I watched TV all afternoon and evening. I saw some of my favorite shows: The Talking Underwear, Wolfboy, and Super Force Field. During the commercials, I played video games.

  I even watched my little sister Mia’s favorite show, Princess Sing-Along. That show is about a bratty princess who sings lame songs in a screechy voice. It should be called Princess Screech-Along.

  The princess screeched the same two songs over and over. The first one was: “If you must pass gas, la la la, don’t do it in class, la la la.” The second song was: “Don’t walk outside in your bare feet, la la la. There could be dog doo in the street, la la la.” I couldn’t get the songs out of my head. But watching Princess Sing-Along was still better than not watching TV at all.

  I had a hard time falling asleep that night. I had too much on my mind. I didn’t know how I could ever last an entire week without TV.

  The other things on my mind were: “If you must pass gas, la la la, don’t do it in class, la la la.” And, “Don’t walk outside in your bare feet, la la la. There could be dog doo in the street, la la la.”

  When I awoke on Saturday morning, I sang, “Don’t walk outside in your bare feet, la la la. There could be dog doo in the street, la la la.” I told you I couldn’t get the lame Princess Sing-Along songs out of my mind.

  Then I remembered that TV Turnoff Week had begun. I didn’t know what to do without TV or video games. I wondered what time it was. I moved a book that was blocking the clock on my dresser. It was only 6:15 in the morning.

  I stared at the ceiling for awhile. I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

  Finally, I got out of bed and went to the living room. My little sister, Mia, was sitting on the rug. She was looking through some picture books.

  I plopped on the sofa and rested my feet on a stack of books on the coffee table. “I don’t know what to do,” I told Mia.

  She looked up from her picture book. “What? I didn’t hear you. I was very busy looking at my book.”

  “There’s nothing to do without TV or video games. I’m bored,” I said. I moved a book out of the way. Then I lay down on the couch.

  “You could read a bo
ok,” Mia said.

  “No. I’m bored, but I’m not desperate,” I replied.

  “Speaking of bored, let’s play a board game,” she said.

  “No thanks.” I shook my head. Mia was too young for the board games I liked.

  “Do you want to play with my Princess Sing-Along doll?” she asked.

  I shook my head harder.

  “We could have a tea party,” Mia said.

  I shook my head even harder.

  “We could dress up like princesses,” Mia said.

  I shook my head even harder.

  “Or we could sing some Princess Sing-Along songs,” said Mia.

  I shook my head so hard it almost fell off my neck. Then I said, “Okay. I’ll play a board game with you.”

  “Yay!” Mia squealed. She brought over her Princess Sing-Along board game. Then she sat next to me on the couch.

  I wished there was something else to do. But I crawled onto the floor and got the game ready.

  Mia pointed to the cardboard game pieces. “I’ll be Princess Sweet Cheeks. Do you want to be Princess Rose Petal, Princess So Beautiful, or Princess Pink Blossom?”

  I sighed. “I guess I’ll be Princess Rose Petal,” I said.

  “She’s pretty,” Mia said.

  We spun a wheel with numbers on it. The number told us how many spaces to move the princesses forward or back. The first princess who went from the dungeon to the castle would win.

  It is really hard to get excited about a game where no matter if you win or lose, you are still a princess. I mean, who cares? Still, what else did I have to do?

  It took Mia a really long time to spin the wheel and count her spaces. After an hour, neither Princess Sweet Cheeks nor Princess Rose Petal was anywhere near the castle. “How long does it usually take to finish the game?” I asked.

  “Not long,” Mia said. “Usually just a week or two.”

  I groaned. “I’m done,” I said. “If I try to play anymore, my eyes are going to fall out from boredom. You win.”

  “Yay!” said Mia.

  Our dog, Waggles, came into the room. He carried a book in his mouth. He was wearing a pink and purple striped sweater.

  Mia said, “I dressed up Waggles this morning. Doesn’t he look great?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Waggles brought you a book,” Mia said.

  I shook my head. “Books are dumb. But playing with Waggles is fun.”

  I spent the next hour tossing balls to Waggles. It was fun for the first five minutes. It was okay for the next fifteen minutes. It was really, really boring for the last forty minutes.

  I had gone only a few hours without TV and video games. And I was already really, really bored. I didn’t know how I could ever survive the entire TV-Turnoff Week.

  It was still Saturday morning, the first day of TV-Turnoff Week. My sisters, Alexa and Mia, were in the living room with Mom and me.

  “I’m so bored,” I said for about the twentieth time.

  “I’m bored of hearing how bored you are,” Mom said.

  “Well, I’m bored of hearing you’re bored of hearing how bored I am,” I said.

  My older sister, Alexa said, “I’m bored of hearing you tell Mom that you’re bored of hearing Mom say she’s bored of hearing how bored you are.”

  “Huh?” my little sister, Mia, asked.

  “I’m bored,” I said again.

  Mom groaned. Then she said, “I’ll take you somewhere fun today. But only if you promise not to say you’re bored for the rest of the day.”

  “Okay. Can we go to Tunnels, Slides, and Balls Galore?” I asked.

  In case you don’t know, Tunnels, Slides, and Balls Galore has tunnels, slides, and balls galore in it.

  “Tunnels, Slides, and Balls Galore is boring,” Alexa said. “Let’s go shopping instead.”

  “Shopping is boring,” Mia and I said.

  “Art museums are boring,” Alexa, Mia, and I all said. That was only the second time ever that my sisters and I had all agreed on something. The first time was when we all agreed that liver tasted disgusting.

  Mom made us go to the art museum anyway.

  To my surprise, it wasn’t boring. It was much better than sitting at home and complaining about being bored.

  My favorite paintings had cool fighting soldiers on them. My dad is a soldier. He was away on a top-secret mission. He’s even cooler than the soldiers in the art museum paintings.

  My sister Alexa liked the modern art paintings. They were very simple pictures that didn’t make much sense. One looked like someone had spilled paint all over it. Another one was just a big red square with a messy orange border.

  Mia pointed to them and said, “These look like paintings I did in preschool last year. But I’m a much better artist now.” Then she laughed and pointed to a picture of a naked lady. “That’s funny,” she said.

  “That’s gross,” I said.

  My mom showed me a painting of flowers. I thought it was boring. But I didn’t say that. I’d promised not to say “boring” today.

  “Look closely at the painting. It’s made up of thousands of tiny dots,” Mom said.

  I peered at it and saw the tiny dots. The painting wasn’t boring after all. It was really cool. But it would have been even cooler if the tiny dots formed fighting soldiers instead of flowers.

  Once we got home from the museum, I told my mom, “Thanks for taking us to the art museum. But now I’m bo . . . I’m the b-word again.”

  “Clean out your closet. That will keep you busy,” she said.

  “That sounds bo . . .” I stopped myself from saying boring. Then I said, “That sounds tedious, dull, tiresome, and dreary. It also sounds like a word that rhymes with snoring.”

  “You might find some interesting things in your closet,” Mom said.

  I shook my head. “No I won’t.”

  But I did. I found Halloween candy that I had hidden three years ago and had forgotten about. The candy was so hard it nearly cracked my teeth. But it still tasted good.

  I also found a yo-yo and some books in my closet. I played with the yo-yo. Then I did a puzzle from my crossword puzzle book and a word search from my word search book.

  “Zeke!” Mom shouted from the doorway of my bedroom.

  “You don’t have to shout,” I said.

  “I have to shout when you ignore me. I’ve been calling you for dinner,” said Mom.

  “First can you help me with my crossword puzzle? What’s a word for something that can dull people’s brains? It only has two letters in it,” I said.

  “TV,” she said.

  I shook my head. “TV can’t dull people’s brains.”

  “See if the word TV fits in your crossword puzzle,” Mom said.

  I did. The word fit.

  “Thanks. Now what’s a seven-letter word for something that makes people smarter?” I asked.

  “Reading,” Mom said.

  I shook my head again. “That can’t be right. Reading doesn’t make people smarter.”

  “Try the word reading in your crossword puzzle,” she said.

  I did. It fit.

  “Now come to dinner,” Mom said.

  “Okay. At least eating dinner will give me something to do,” I said.

  “It seems that you’ve been very busy today,” she replied.

  I crossed my arms and said, “I’d rather be watching TV. I can’t wait for this week to be over.”

  I woke up on Sunday morning and rushed out of bed to see Fight, Fight, Fight on TV.

  Then I remembered it was TV-Turnoff Week. I let out a big sigh.

  Then I played with my yo-yo.

  After that, I worked on another crossword puzzle. I couldn’t figure out one of the words. The clue was “Type of snake.” The word started with a P and had six letters in it.

  You don’t know what the word is, do you? If you do, you’re a lot smarter than me.

  I’ll give you time to think about it.

  A
re you thinking?

  Are you?

  Did you figure it out yet?

  I thought about it a lot. But I still didn’t know what type of snake started with a P and had six letters in it.

  Then I remembered a book I’d found in my closet yesterday. The book was called Snakes. I had never read it, of course. I got it for my birthday last year from someone who didn’t know me very well. Anyone who knew me well knew that I didn’t like books.

  But I got out the book, looked through it, and found the answer to the crossword puzzle.

  Are you ready for the answer?

  I’m giving you two more seconds.

  Now are you ready?

  Okay, it’s . . .

  The type of snake with six letters that starts with a P is python.

  My Snakes book had a cool picture of a python in it. It also had cool pictures of vipers, cobras, and other kinds of snakes.

  I kept looking at the snake pictures and reading the words next to them. I ended up reading the whole book. I couldn’t help it.

  Hmm. Maybe the person who’d given me the snake book really did know me very well.

  After I finished the snake book and the crossword puzzle, I went into the living room. The room smelled awful. It smelled almost as awful as the Meat Dish Surprise that Mom had made for dinner last week.

  My older sister, Alexa, was sitting on the couch. On her lap was our dog, Waggles. He wore a purple bow on his head. He looked very silly.

  “You mean that lovely aroma?” Alexa asked.

  “No. I mean that yucky stink,” I said.

  “You might be sniffing the sweet scent of my lavender nail polish,” she said.

  “Did you polish your nails in here?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “And I was so bored that I painted Waggles’s nails, too.”

  I looked at Waggles’s nails. They were purple. They matched the silly bow on his head. “Poor

  Waggles,” I said.

  “Can I polish your nails, too, Zeke?” Alexa asked.

  “No,” I said. I picked up a book from the coffee table to use as a shield.